Things I do not understand about South Asian Men
(You know men of the Pakistani/Indian ethnic persuasion) Dedicated to Ms Valani Rod!
1. The weird attraction to escalators.
I've never understood why Asian men feel the need to congregate around escalators in shopping centres. No matter where you go - which Westfield you haunt - you will always, without fail find a gaggle of Asian men gathered at the top end of escalators like buffaloes in the Serengeti huddling round a watering hole. Why? What is the fascination with stairs that go up and down?! THEY GO UP AND DOWN - that's pretty much it! It's not even as if looking at girls' scalps as they ascend is even remotely exciting (unless you have some weird fetish!). Surely, if you're checking girls out the bottom end of an escalator is more ahem, interesting anyway! They don't even have to be single for the weird escalator attraction to work - I've often seen a pram or two shoved behind them as the men stare gormlessly at the magical moving stairs, whilst carrying babies like potato sacks! Mutlitasking at its best - not.
2. The need to shave strange tribal patterns into their facial hair.
Forget the tracks of your tears, with Asian men it's all about the tracks of their beards. Why??? It must take them hours to shave - that's probably why they only shave every three days or so and spend the other four with green faces, looking as if a weird fungus has attacked them. How is a green face attractive? Bruce Banner never pulled as the Hulk! Fact.
3. The drenching of oneself in perfume.
You can always tell when an Asian man has entered the room - usually because you are choking on the fumes of his perfume!! PULSE POINTS ONLY - a concept alien to them all. Why wear so much? What weird smells are you trying to drown out? Alcohol? Weed? Curry? Baby powder?
4. The insane, incessant shaking hands with each other.
Regardless of age Asian men greet each other not with smiles or the regular head nodding and grunting but actual shaking hands, like business men or contract killers! It's like a secret Asian man ritual - even 6 year old's are at it - it's weird, makes them look shady and not in an ooohh 50 shades kinda way, but rather as if they're about to sell you a dodgy used car, which they probably are!
5. The need for two mobile phones.
Why? Why? Why? Are you trying to hide your girlfriend from your wife? Or your wife from your girlfriend? Both of them from your mother? Or your boyfriend from the WORLD?! Why does anyone need two phones unless they're a drug dealer, a secret spy or a pimp? Why? I just don't get it.
6. Gel Excess
Why put so much on your head that you either look like a seal or bald, with the glare of your scalp shinning through your spiked hair to blind everyone?? Is the glare supposed to mesmerise the opposite sex, drawing them towards you in the false hope that diamonds are sprouting out of your head?! Unattractive and incomprehensible - double whammy!
7. The Constant Gyming!
Why do they all constantly go gym - and leave out the "to" in that sentence - but never get any thinner or buffer?!! The buff ones are the most unattractive - who wants a man with no neck? Or worse a man who's 5'6" tall and five feet wide - there's a reason why Sponge Bob Square Pants doesn't have a girlfriend! Salman Khan is only attractive BECAUSE THEY MAKE HIM STAND ON A BOX WHILE FILMING!!
Asian men are strange, incomprehensible creatures, but at least, to a man, they don't wear skinny jeans!
Thank God for small mercies!!
