The following are 5 things one must not do on the London Underground, ever.
1. Be Foreign
I hate tourists on the tube - really I do. They're just loud and annoying - the worst sort are the Americans - why do they have to be sooo fricking loud?!! If all you knew about America came from your experience of American tourists on the London Underground, you'd think it was a country of deaf people, with a pathological inability to read any sort of sign, a propensity for wearing fugly shoes and khaki, regardless of weather or appropriateness.
The other sorts of tourists with an inability to navigate the tube are the Pakistani upper classes - socially, if no longer economically, I may belong to the same social stratosphere, but that doesn't mean that they piss me off any less. There's the aunties lagging 30 steps behind their husbands, shawls and Chanel handbags trailing, not because of any old fashioned notion of subservience to the hubbie but because auntie is too used to her driver driving her EVERYWHERE and parking right outside the various shops'/malls' doors!! This walking and keeping her possessions away from rapidly closing tube doors or the feet of hapless commuters is an alien concept. Thus, she's like a walking impediment to tube safety, a danger to herself & those around her. The husbands always look surprised to find there's a woman trailing after them whenever something does happen! And don't even get me started on the Japanese with their excessive use of flash photography despite the signs EVERYWHERE that say no flash to be used!! They're like a mobile epileptic fit trigger! And the South American/Spanish who insist on sitting miles apart and shouting at each other across the carriage with their ridiculously long, tanned limbs sprawled hither and dither. No, just don't be foreign on the tube.
2. Carry Huge Rucksacks
Why is it that people who carrying ginormous rucksacks on their backs on the underground have no spatial awareness at all. I do not want to be knocked over and/or squashed by your giant bag, carrying which only makes you look smaller, and more of a pin-head than you already are. They bang into everyone and everything, back up right into you if you have the misfortune of standing behind them - NO my face does NOT want to touch your manky bag! Get away from me!! - They hold up the trains by getting the manky bag caught in the doors. THEY ARE A MENACE AND SHOULD BE BANNED. BANNED, I TELL YOU! BANNED!!
3. Disobey Escalator Protocol.
There are rules to using the escalators - if you cannot follow them, walk up the bloody stairs, you idiot. Firstly, stand ON THE FRICKING RIGHT!! And if you are walking on the left keep your limbs and your possessions tucked in. Do not knock the Prada/Juicey Couture (etc.) bags of innocent bystanders cause I swear to God if THE BAG gets marked or scratched I am gonna hurt you. If you run away I will hunt you down like a rabid dog and then hurt you in the carriage. Just saying. Tuck your shit in! Secondly, when getting on an escalator you must ALWAYS leave at least a one step gap between you and the person in front. Don't be getting all up in the bum - it's just rude. I hate it when men ( and it's always men!) try to walk up really long escalators (Tottenham Court Road station being a prime example) get tired half way up and then jam their sorry selves into the vacant step in front or behind you. NO! IT'S AGAINST PROTOCOL YOU DUNDERHEAD!! I do not want you pressed up so close to me unless we're at least engaged and I'm wearing a diamond you bought !
4. Make Eye Contact
Just don't do it - it's fricking weird. I do not want you looking into my eyes when we are standing squashed together like sardines in a can or worse if you are sitting across from me in the carriage. It's weird. DON'T LOOK AT ME!! If we do accidentally look at each other at the same time just look away and for the love of all that's holy, do not smile!! The only people who smile on the tubes are the senile, and serial killers.
5. Not give up your seat for the elderly or pregnant.
Especially - and screw feminism, I'm a post-feminst anyway - if you are a man, it's your moral duty to give up your seat for the old and the pregnant. Hopefully not an old pregnant woman cause that would be freaky in the extreme. But really if we make old people and pregnant women stand up in crowded trains how can we call ourselves a civilised society. It's just decent, and surely the point of life is to try and be decent human beings. If we are so self absorbed that we can't even do that then shame on us! Just don't mistake a fat woman for a pregnant woman because er... bare awks!!
There are other things one should do like control one's elbows/knees, not engage in excessive pda's - ass grabbing or tit fondling is NEVER ok, wait your turn to board the train or not run down the platform - really why are you running you imbecile, there will be another train in like oh, 3 mins!! But the above 5 are the biggies!! The ones that really irritate. So just don't do them! Don't aggravate the natives - you have been warned!
Dedicated to Miss Valani Rod.
