Post no. 1 - dedicated to Oliver Wills as this whole blog is entirely his fault & Emma Puddick for being the inspiration for this first post!
A Dumbass's Guide to Facebook Etiquette
(Yes there is such a thing and if you don't know it exists you're probably one of the idiots breaking all the rules!!)
Facebook etiquette, rules that govern our interactions on those hallowed blue and white, advert riddled pages, like the British constitution are unwritten, but just as important - after all we can't have chaos in our virtual interplay - that WOULD be the end of the fricking civilised world, forget the Mayans or Aztecs, whoever it was that predicted doomsday on the 21st of December 2012 (Just a little Shakespeare-esq aside here, if they were THAT bloody good at predicting stuff wouldn't they have predicted their own demise first??!! And thus, prevented it!! They weren't that sh*t hot considering they themselves are fricking extinct! Anyway, I digress...)
Facebook that wonderful social utility that makes us think not only that we have friends but that they actually give a toss about the bloody tedious minutiae of our daily lives! It's a great way for the socially inept, to delude themselves into thinking they're savants of human interaction.
Facebook is all about me, me, me (as opposed to Twitter which is all about me and my dumbass thoughts about the world - a virtual case of verbal diarreah, not to mention a handy celebrity stalking tool!) Facebook expresses how much I love myself. A narcissist's paradise. I love it. And the reason it works, the reason chaos does not rain all over it, is that most of us, instinctively, know the commandments. But for the dumbassed here they are - the 5 cardinal rules.
1. Thou shalt not like thy own status/picture/link! This is the action of real fricking idiots and thus on the top of the list! OF COURSE you like the fricking status/picture/link - YOU POSTED IT YOU IDIOT!! Why would you have posted it if you didn't bloody like it?!!! IT's UNDERSTOOD - by anyone with an IQ over 35 - THAT YOU LIKE IT!! The point isn't that you like it, it's if OTHER PEOPLE - you know those beings that exist only to read the crap you post - like it! Liking your own status/picture/link is the virtual equivalent of looking in the mirror and going, "GRRRR you sexy thing you!" at your reflection. It's just sad. Don't do it.
2. Thou shalt not randomly add thy friend's friends - especially if they are of the opposite sex &/or you have a romantic interest in them - without the aforementioned friend's express permission!! Do not fricking stalk my friends list for booty opportunities - it's just WRONG!! One creepy guy I randomly met for 5 minutes, & admittedly was stupid enough to add to Facebook, first tried to crack onto me and on his subsequent rejection tried to add one of my students!!! A child, merely 18 and he, an assistant college lecturer! CHILD MOLESTER!! It is our moral, spiritual nay social duty to delete such losers posthaste!!
3.Thou shalt not stalk other people's Facebook Timelines with any regularity, without commenting and/or liking something!! And for goodness sake if you are a closet Facebook stalker, then don't add insult to injury by mentioning their posts to them in the real world or, WORSE, via Facebook messenger! It's creepy. End of. Creepy, creepy, creepy creepofferson! Again, don't do it.
4. Thou shalt not post anything actually serious on Facebook nor shouldst thou comment seriously in regards to flip or funny posts other people write. Kills the fun - kills it dead. So dead it would have to be buried twice - wanna say something serious fricking spend 10p or use up your free minutes and call!!
5.Thou shalt not post the entire contents of thy camera's memory card straight onto Facebook without editing the fricking pictures first - blurry pics, a thousand pics in the same fugly, pouty pose, or of your dog licking its balls, clogging up unsuspecting users' newsfeed is the e-equivalent of throwing up on someone else's plate. Just no!
The above Facebook etiquette guidelines are by no means exhaustive but they are the fundamental rules of "sharing" your belief that you are fricking awesome with others, without pissing everyone off.
Happy Facebooking & be mindful of Rule no. 3 when reading this post!!
