I've been a good girl all my life -
patiently waiting for Prince Charming to show up and claim me as
his. I've believed in the fairytale - that one day I will meet my Prince
Charming; he'll love me and I will love him - more importantly, his parents will think I'm
fricking awesome - we'll get married in a lavish ceremony lasting at least 3
days, with 3 different colour schemes and live happily ever after, producing a
trio of gorgeous girls named, Fifi, Gogo & Lulu!!
The wait appears to be a long one. I
don't really get it. Aren't nice things supposed to happen to nice people? I'm
a nice person; moral, helpful, I always do the right thing even if it’s
detrimental to my own interests. I try my best not to hurt anyone, to treat
people well. Sounds all pompous but it’s true - really... And it's not as if
people don't love me, they do!! I feel the love. I'm not hideous either, I have no pretensions of thinking that I look
like a young (or even old,) Sophia Loren but I'm not ugly. Fat yes, ugly no.
And yes, you size zero loving secret necrophiliacs, there is a difference: I
may be fat but I'm fat with style!! I dress for the size I am and not the size
I wish I were!! I'm a little over educated but really that's hardly a crime.. I’m not self-obsessed (contarary to how this is all sounding!) , I’m intuitive,
especially about people – I’m honest to goodness, actually nice... So really, WHERE THE HELL IS PRINCE CHARMING?!! I mean seriously, dude, at this rate I'm
totally dying a virgin!!
It's also not as if I'm unrealistically
fussy; the height, weight, complexion of Prince Charming is totally
negotiable. I'm not looking for a 6 foot 4, golden skinned, Adonis - one would
be nice, but I'm not too fussed! The one proviso - apart from the fact that I
have to be attracted to him, and really I'm attracted to the weirdest things -
is that he has to be intelligent. Oh yeah and Asian - preferably Pakistani!!
That, gentle reader, is the Achilles' heel of the fairytale. There just aren't
any Paki Prince Charmings around - either white or Sikh girls at university
stole the few that exist or their parents arranged their marriages at 22 to a
hook nosed cousin in some backwater village in the Punjab!! So now, ten years
and two sons later, they're mostly divorced, bitter, atheist and very unprince
like!
My family is no help. They couldn't even
arrange a vase of flowers leave alone my marriage - I mean seriously, if they
were proper Pakistanis I'd've had my marriage arranged eons ago, popped out at least
Fifi and Gogo by now, and all this angst would be behind me. But they're all
just too fricking liberal - love marriages are the way to go - we don't mind as long as you're happy - Woop Woop!! Bunch of fake Asians!! What good are they to me?
All my mother does is look at me lamentfully - I can all but see the reflection
of my biological clock ticking away in her teary eyes. When really she should be getting onto the Aunty network or seeing a marriage broker. People with uglier, stupider, even fatter children are just so much more efficient, learn and emulate WOMAN! Damn her liberal eyes.
The bad girls had it right really, they're
all married to their boyfriends and pretty much happy little harpies now! They
secretly dated, drank, slept with a legion, their mother in laws hate them but
they don't care, they call her an old bat, bitch to her son about her
interfering ways and how victimised they feel by her and the sad sap believes
them!! Now, my mother-in-law would fricking love me -
so I repeat, where the hell is Prince Charming?! Does he not care about his
mother at all? I repeat my mother in law will LOVE ME. Really.
I mean men – what do they want? They say one
thing, do another, and think something entirely different – I have met nary a one I can stand to be around for longer
than two hours without wanting to slap him round the ear!! That includes my brother –
actually especially my brother. The Y chromosome is definitely defective –
there’s something wrong with the male of the species. With us Pakistanis, I
blame all the interbreeding – all this cousins marrying cousins equals
defective Y-chromosomes.
Oh dear, perhaps
the appearance of Prince Charming will only complicate my life – I mean for one
thing I may have to share my Playstation3! Oh the horror.
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